Modern death cafes are very much alive in L.A. Inside the radical movement

In a second-story room successful Los Feliz’s Philosophical Research Society, astir a twelve group beryllium successful a circle. Many of them are present for nan first clip and not wholly judge what to expect. The sandwich-board motion successful nan courtyard beneath offers only a cryptic hint: “Welcome! Death cafe gathering upstairs.”

As nan group settles successful connected this Thursday day successful May, organizer Elizabeth Gill Lui lays retired nan only 2 directives: “Have beverage and cake, and talk astir death.”

Lui, a 73-year-old creator who wears chunky jewelry and bold glasses, starts by reference a transition from musician Nick Cave’s caller memoir. It’s astir how, successful nan look of staggering grief, speaking and listening tin beryllium a shape of treatment — which is yet what Lui hopes will transpire complete nan adjacent mates of hours, successful this room dressed up pinch patterned carpets and gangly bookcases.

To initiate nan exchange, she instructs nan group to “go astir successful a circle and opportunity what brought you to decease cafe.” It’s a elemental capable question, but 1 that elicits complex, profoundly individual responses. Some attendees opportunity they’ve travel because they’re struggling pinch really to attraction for aging parents, aliases because they mislaid a loved 1 during nan pandemic. Others person precocious been done a life modulation — a move backmost home, a assemblage graduation, betterment from an illness. Or they’re wrestling pinch anxieties astir their mortality. No matter nan reason, everyone seems to beryllium seeking immoderate shape of comfort, relationship and community.

Reading worldly suggested by Elizabeth Gill Lui, who hosted a decease cafe astatine nan Philosophical Research Society.

“The contented successful Southern California has agelong been astir nan journey. Making nan astir of nan travel creatively, playfully, intellectually,” Lui tells maine successful nan Philosophical Research Society’s regal library. “That’s what I besides for illustration astir nan decease cafe. It has this separator of joke to it. If you’re astatine a meal statement and it’s boring, you tin conscionable say, ‘Have I told you astir nan decease cafe I spell to?’ and everybody conscionable laughs. It’s specified a awesome entree to nan conversation.”

Lui’s twice-monthly gathering is 1 of respective decease cafes that person sprung up complete nan past 2 years successful Los Angeles. Heavy Manners Library, an creation abstraction and lending room specializing successful independent books and zines, holds 1 each different month. Its organizer, Emily Yacina, has made a wont of bringing doughnuts for nan mostly 20- and-30-something tattooed crowd. Artist Ailene deVries held a death cafe successful April astatine Gorky, an Eastside feminist corporate that hosts workshops and pop-up events. North Figueroa Bookshop successful Highland Park announced its first decease cafe past summer, led by decease doula Hazel Angell. A collaged flier for nan gathering showed a skeleton manus clutching a butterfly supra a succinct explanation written successful a Gothic font: “A group chat of decease pinch nary agenda, objectives aliases themes.”

The agendaless ethos of nan decease cafe was developed successful 2011 by Jon Underwood. The Buddhist student and erstwhile authorities worker, past 38, is widely credited pinch hosting nan first modern decease cafe astatine his location successful East London. He was inspired to shape it aft reference astir Swiss “cafe mortels,” gatherings designed by sociologist Bernard Crettaz successful 2004 to break nan stigma astir talking astir death.

Underwood died unexpectedly successful 2017 owed to complications from leukemia, but nan activity he kickstarted remains very overmuch alive. A website maintained by Underwood’s mother and sister includes a how-to guide for those looking to commencement their ain decease cafe, arsenic good arsenic a directory that lists much than 18,000 decease cafes astir nan world.

Greg Golden, 73, center, shares his acquisition beside chap decease cafe participants Danielle Tyas, 23, left, and Haley Twist, 32, right, astatine nan Philosophical Research Society.

Megan Mooney, a objective and aesculapian societal worker who serves arsenic a unpaid spokesperson for Underwood’s umbrella organization, says she’s seen an summation successful decease cafe listings since 2020.

“COVID really made group person to look their ain mortality,” she said successful a Facebook message. “There was nary escaping it. …There was a immense request for group wanting to talk astir decease for nan first time.”

That was surely existent for Lui, who says nan “pervasiveness of death” during nan first mates years of nan pandemic led her to get certified arsenic an end-of-life doula successful March 2022.

“I really was alarmed by nan truth that we couldn’t shape a statement connected really to woody pinch nan pandemic and woody pinch nan wide arena of this galore deaths,” she said. “I don’t deliberation nan seriousness of it was thing that we were moreover capable to grasp because we debar this taxable astatine each costs.”

Though Lui’s decease cafe whitethorn beryllium nan astir often held 1 successful Los Angeles, it’s not nan county’s first. Hospice societal worker Betsy Trapasso claims that distinction, aft having launched a decease cafe from her location successful Topanga Canyon successful 2013.

“It’s not a support group. It’s not a condolences group,” Trapasso told The Times that year. “My full point is to get group talking astir [death] truthful they’re not acrophobic erstwhile nan clip comes.”

During nan event, Trapasso asked nan group of aging professionals to inhale immoderate lavender lipid to relax astatine nan commencement of nan session. (Though she nary longer hosts a decease cafe, she maintains a Facebook page wherever she posts articles and events related to aging, condolences and end-of-life care.)

Participants beryllium successful a circle astatine nan decease cafe.

More than a decade later, location are nary bongos aliases basal oils astatine L.A.’s latest activity of decease cafes and, astir noticeably, their attendees skew younger. At nan Thursday and Saturday sessions I attended astatine nan Philosophical Research Society, astir group were successful their 20s, 30s and early 40s. At Heavy Manners Library connected a Tuesday night, nan group would not person looked retired of spot astatine a euphony show astatine nan Echoplex down nan street.

Lui sees nan attendance of nan millennials and zoomers astatine her decease cafes arsenic grounds of an unfortunate reality: Younger generations are experiencing nan nonaccomplishment of loved ones. Some of them person cited suicide, alcoholism and supplier overdoses arsenic nan cause.

“Young group are being exposed to friends dying, and much often than I deliberation group realize,” she said.

Yacina, who leads nan decease cafe astatine Heavy Manners Library, is 1 of them. The 28-year-old indie stone musician says a bully friend of hers died during her sophomore twelvemonth of college, and she recovered nan acquisition isolating, profound and “identity-forming.” Then, successful 2021, she mourned nan decease of yet different friend, astir whom she later wrote a song. Yacina said she realized “there’s nary flight to group dying, and successful fact, it’s really nan 1 existent point that we each tin count on.” It led her to wonder: “Why don’t we talk astir it more?”

She organized nan Echo Park decease cafe successful June 2022, conscionable a fewer months earlier Lui started 1 successful Los Feliz. Like Lui, Yacina had precocious gotten certified arsenic an end-of-life doula, and nan pandemic had planted nan thought of decease much firmly successful her consciousness. In a telephone interview, she recalled worrying that she could suffer her parents to COVID-19.

“It was specified a scary feeling, but nan truth is, you could suffer anyone astatine immoderate time,” she said.

It’s a truth that deVries, nan 27-year-old creator who precocious held a decease cafe astatine Gorky and plans to clasp different successful Long Beach this summer, had to study nan difficult way.

“When I was 18, my partner conscionable abruptly passed successful a very traumatic way, truthful I wasn’t really judge wherever to put nan conversation,” deVries said. “I deliberation nan decease cafe was nan first clip that I felt I had a instrumentality to definitive my interest.”

Reading worldly suggested by Elizabeth Gill Lui.

Sara Alessandrini, 35, listens intimately arsenic different subordinate shares during nan decease cafe.

Not everyone who attends these events has knowledgeable a decease successful their family aliases community. Some attendees alternatively spot decease arsenic a potent metaphor for life’s large changes and each nan condolences that comes pinch them.

“It besides helped maine pinch surviving life successful nan infinitesimal and letting spell of definite things,” said Sara Alessandrini, a 35-year-old filmmaker who attends Lui’s decease cafe astatine nan Philosophical Research Society.

When it’s her move to stock her logic for coming to nan Thursday day group, Alessandrini announces to nan group that she wants to bespeak not connected nan decease of a personification but of her childhood. She talks astir boundaries and healing. It prompts others to chime in, openly sharing stories astir their upbringings. When nan speech comes to a pause, Lui offers immoderate lukewarm proposal to Alessandrini: “I deliberation you request to protect yourself moreover amended than you deliberation you’re protecting yourself.”

Lui often takes connected a maternal domiciled successful nan group. During 1 of my visits, she asks for an attendee’s telephone number truthful she tin matter them a connection of support connected a time they opportunity they’re dreading. At a abstracted session, she gets up from her chair to console personification successful affectional distress. After nan meetings, she emails death-themed book and movie recommendations to newcomers, who often comprise nan mostly of attendees. Timothy Leary’s “Design for Dying,” nan Oscar-winning Japanese play “Departures” and nan Sundance-winning documentary “How to Die successful Oregon” are each connected her list.

Since galore of her attendees are artists themselves, she sends retired invites to their events, which often intersect pinch ideas astir death. Recent examples see an online power program featuring songs for funerals and a solo show astir grief debuting astatine nan Hollywood Fringe show this month.

Lui sometimes signs her emails: “Hope to spot you erstwhile it fits.” She wants attendees to cognize there’s nary responsibility to return to her decease cafe. Even so, nan group tin occasionally get ample and unwieldy. At 1 caller decease cafe, Lui recalled, location were 30 people, “and that was a small excessively much.”

Michael Allison, 62, laughs a small while sharing pinch nan group of participants successful nan decease cafe.

The decease cafe tin sometimes consciousness for illustration group therapy. But Lui makes nary claims to being a therapist. “I deliberation successful a bully way, we’re not therapists,” she told me. “Because we’re not conscionable nodding and listening and letting them fig retired their ain truth. We really person immoderate ideas astir wherever you find meaning successful your life.”

At nan Thursday day decease cafe astatine nan Philosophical Research Society, everyone has truthful overmuch to opportunity that nan speech stretches for hours. Toward nan end, it becomes loose and playful, resembling a late-night heart-to-heart. Between bouts of tears and laughter, personification asks: “Do you deliberation you cognize that you’re dormant aft you’ve died?” Another poses a question: “Is it conscionable me, aliases has anyone other ever wondered if your dormant genitor tin spot you erstwhile you’re having sex?” The room giggles, and it reminds 1 attendee to stock her ain communicative astir her deceased mother.

At immoderate point, Lui asks whether anyone knows nan time. It’s 6 p.m. — meaning nan decease cafe has stretched connected for 4 hours, doubly arsenic agelong arsenic scheduled. Lui frantically apologizes, but cipher seems to mind. They bent around, talking and eating cupcakes.

“Maybe we request a play retreat aliases something?” Lui suggests. But moreover a fewer days wouldn’t beryllium capable to incorporate everyone’s questions astir 1 of life’s top mysteries. For now, her cafe will person to suffice.