I'm proof alcoholics can hide in plain sight... I was so enslaved by drink I swigged wine during an ultra-marathon

The nighttime earlier my first 100-mile, ultra-marathon title I drank 2 bottles of vino and went to furniture late.

I woke pinch a hangover, terrified and anxious. Retching and pinch a pounding caput I headed to nan commencement line. There, nan sporting elite gathered. Lean, super-fit, focused, high-achieving people; those who relished pushing themselves to nan boundaries of quality ­endurance for fun.

Contrary to what you whitethorn imagine, I didn't look retired of place.

No 1 could person guessed I was personification who'd been secretly ­battling addiction for 20 years. After all, what amended spot to hide your alcoholism than down nan awesome and physically demanding beforehand of utmost sports?

It was specified a superb disguise, I almost believed it myself. Running became a measurement of my self-worth and impervious that I wasn't ill. I mean, alcoholics don't tally ultra-marathons, do they?

We've each heard of nan building 'high-functioning alcoholic'. They're nan group who are outwardly successful professionals who situation nan communal misconception of addicts arsenic group who beryllium astatine nan fringes of society, passed retired connected parkland benches aliases decaying successful squalid bedsits. I took it to different level.

I had an breathtaking occupation for a grounds label, socialising pinch A-list stars, while I spent my spare clip pushing my assemblage to nan limit. I looked awesome – I was awesome – connected nan outside.

In 2018, I was a impermanent connected Lorraine Kelly's meal show, aft I became nan first female to tally 100 miles crossed nan largest stiff reservoir successful Mongolia wherever temperatures reached minus 40C.

Anyone watching nan fresh-faced, fresh young female connected nan TV sofa that greeting ne'er would person guessed she had to unfastened a vessel of vino astatine 7.30am earlier going connected group to extremity her hands shaking. I was surviving impervious that addicts tin beryllium anywhere, hiding successful plain sight.

Growing up successful a comparatively poor, working-class family successful Dorset ­during nan 1980s, I was astir ­alcohol each nan time. The pub was nan organization nervus centre, and everyone I knew drank. Alcohol meant fun.

But it wasn't until I went to ­secondary schoolhouse that my problems began. I was agleam and world and sewage a spot astatine nan section grammar school, wherever I was teased ­mercilessly. With my oversized, ­second-hand uniform, I was ­immediately a target for bullies who labelled maine 'skanky'.

Then, erstwhile I was 16, my parents' matrimony fell apart, and ­consequently I deed my sixth-form years successful afloat ­rebellion mode, drinking tequila pinch boys successful nan parkland and smoking astatine nan autobus stop.

Most weekends were spent successful a drunken haze and nan intoxicant made maine consciousness for illustration I yet ­fitted in. I didn't cognize it astatine nan time, but I was ­desperately struggling pinch slump and debased self-esteem.

Heading to assemblage successful London, things started to spiral further. I drank astatine slightest six pints of lager a time and made repeated termination attempts. The drink-related ­incidents kept mounting up: I was recovered ­unconscious connected a nighttime bus; I was mugged and sexually assaulted.

But I shrugged it each disconnected and group my sights connected a dream occupation successful nan euphony manufacture while my slump ­festered away, unmonitored.

At nan property of 27 I yet landed a individual adjunct domiciled pinch a grounds label. I felt, and was perpetually told, I was incredibly lucky.

There I was, nan 'skanky' kid from school, having meal pinch Ed Sheeran and sharing a taxi pinch Keira Knightley. But nan truth is I was connected an exploitative costs and was earnestly unhappy astatine work.

Yet I was terrified of losing my occupation because I was truthful 'lucky' and location was a statement of group waiting to switch me. This each led to horrendous anxiety, acute paranoia and an exacerbated drinking problem.

I sewage really bully astatine hiding all-day hangovers, and I played nan domiciled of nan nosy statement woman who would do ­anything to beryllium liked and accepted –especially erstwhile drunk. I was ­constantly petrified I would beryllium exposed arsenic a fraud, and to extremity nan worry I drank much and more.

It didn't thief that dense drinking was actively encouraged successful nan euphony industry. It was stone 'n' roll, pinch drinks astatine lunchtime, aft work, pre-gig, during nan gig, nan after-show statement and into nan night.

Relationships were fleeting; nary 1 ever lasted very long. My changeless companion was intoxicant – location was nary room successful my life for thing else.

Slowly but surely, I was becoming highly mentally ill. One greeting I woke up successful furniture covered successful my ain blood. The location looked for illustration a ­murder scene, pinch trails of humor crossed nan hallway into nan ­bathroom. In a drunken stupor, I had fallen into my chamber reflector and a portion had stuck successful my wrist.

I cleaned up and headed to work. It was only erstwhile humor started to drip onto my keyboard that I casually told my leader I mightiness request to spell to A&E.

Rather than being a wake-up call, this became nan norm. I would spell for months surviving connected thing but ­cigarettes, bananas, crisps and lager, which I proudly called 'the Amy Winehouse diet'.

It was astir this time, astatine nan opening of my euphony manufacture career, that I discovered running. In schoolhouse I did hardly immoderate sport, but I remembered a expert suggesting I effort moving to thief pinch my slump erstwhile I was astatine university.

So 1 day, erstwhile I was emotion incredibly low, I decided to springiness it a go. I figured it was amended than throwing myself nether a bus. I ran 2 miles and it felt amazing. I had a brew to celebrate.

From that constituent onwards whenever I was emotion wretched, I went for a run. I hated spending clip unsocial pinch myself erstwhile sober, but I could ­manage my mind erstwhile I ran. I felt nan champion type of myself erstwhile I was doing it, and to nan extracurricular world it looked for illustration I was sorting myself out. How could I person a drinking problem if I was capable to run? It helped maine to hide nan grade of my addiction and facilitate moreover much drinking.

I started moving much often, trying to calm nan thoughts of self-loathing successful my head. Within a twelvemonth I had tally nan London ­Marathon – successful an awesome 4 hrs 4 mins, and complete nan people of nan adjacent 4 years I ran 40 marathons and 17 ultra-marathons (races that are immoderate region longer than a 26-mile marathon).

In immoderate different story, this would beryllium nan constituent wherever nan alcoholic ­protagonist 'runs away' from her addiction and gives up portion for good. Not me. I trained difficult and drank moreover harder.

Running was a numbing supplier and a invited release, but it wasn't addressing my addiction aliases my depression. It wasn't ­unusual for maine to tally a marathon connected nan backmost of a three-day bender, aliases to portion lukewarm achromatic vino connected nan commencement line.

Miraculously, contempt putting my assemblage done years of abuse, I had nary beingness problems. I kept moving faster and further. If I felt a hangover creeping in, I conscionable had different drink, stashing vino bottles successful my kit bag.

Eventually my moving led to a profession change, and I joined an escapade racing company. I ran 135 miles crossed nan oldest godforsaken connected world successful Namibia and ran nan full magnitude of nan Panama Canal carrying a 35kg battalion successful 100 per cent humidity.

Ultra-marathon runners train for months and years to hole their bodies for these utmost challenges, their nutrition cautiously planned and managed. I was hungover erstwhile we started nan Panama expedition. I besides felt nether tremendous unit arsenic nan only female connected nan trip. The way was hellish and, astatine 1 point, we sewage truthful severely mislaid we thought we'd dice successful nan jungle.

Yet, for me, nan worst portion was surviving pinch my ain toxic thoughts for days, without intoxicant to numb them. All I wanted to do was scratch my tegument until it bled. I moreover thought astir drinking nan intoxicant swipe I utilized to dainty my feet.

When we yet crawled retired of nan jungle thing wrong maine had changed. I realised my thoughts couldn't termination me, but my actions could. It was nan commencement of a agelong roadworthy to betterment – a mini step, but a important one.

But I hadn't deed stone bottommost conscionable yet. This came much than 2 years later erstwhile I was surviving successful Yorkshire, moving successful trading for an escapade racing firm.

By now my activity was suffering enormously. I wasn't hitting ­targets, and I felt perpetually ­anxious, distracted and scared.

One nighttime I walked up nan roadworthy drunk, readying to propulsion myself disconnected nan span into nan way of ­lorries below. But location was a constabulary car parked adjacent truthful I mislaid my nerve.

A mates of months later, everything unravelled astatine activity and I collapsed down. It each happened very quickly. I was driven to my champion friend's location successful Somerset, wherever I yet admitted to myself that I was surgery and I had to extremity drinking. I spent nan adjacent 9 weeks recovering, incapable to do thing isolated from jigsaw puzzles and sleep. I felt nothing.

Gradually, done nan unconditional emotion of my rescue canine Pickle, I began to consciousness again.

Day aft time she laic location pinch me, licking tears disconnected my face, someway telling maine she loved maine conscionable arsenic I was. I took Acceptance and­ Commitment Therapy, a shape of ­psychotherapy, and began ­running again. I discontinue my occupation and became a moving and mindset coach.

I'm now 43 and person been sober for conscionable complete 3 years. ­Everyone assumes my capacity must person soared now I nary longer drink, but to beryllium honorable moving is harder than before.

I tin consciousness each achy measurement and each pang of hunger – thing is masking nan exhaustion – but being capable to consciousness makes it truthful worthwhile.

Mentally I americium getting stronger. I person strategies to negociate my depression, and since becoming sober my worry has disappeared. Running did not prevention me, but it bought my assemblage and mind capable clip truthful that erstwhile I was yet ready, I could prevention myself.

As told to Lily Canter. There Is No Wall by Allie Bailey (£14.95, Vertebrate Publishing) is retired now.

If you aliases anyone you cognize is astatine consequence of suicide, telephone nan Samaritans for free from a UK phone, wholly anonymously, connected 116 123 aliases spell to samaritans.org