I had an insatiable appetite for sleeping with strangers... then realised I was a damaged sex addict who needed help

When you ideate a activity addict, what do you deliberation of? Is nan personification suave aliases seedy? The eventual subordinate aliases unashamedly predatory? A smooth, blase James Bond type, aliases a rapacious lothario for illustration ­Russell Brand?

Chances are that whoever springs to mind, they'll astir apt beryllium male.

Well, formed speech each those ­preconceptions and immoderate others you mightiness have, and look astatine me. I americium a activity addict – presently successful recovery.

That's right: I'm a 41-year-old mother – pinch an eight-year-old girl – who's been happily joined for a decade to a ­husband I adore. I'm mediate people and unrecorded a beautiful mean life filled pinch schoolhouse runs, ­children's activities and activity meetings – for illustration galore group reference this.

But what you won't cognize by looking astatine maine is that I spent much than 20 years successful nan grip of a destructive activity addiction.

Only aft thousands of pounds of therapy, steely determination and nan unwavering support of my hubby americium I now, ­thankfully, successful power of nan compulsive ­sexual behaviour, arsenic it is formally known – which I cognize now was rooted successful early puberty.

In my 20s, I spent hours ­compulsively watching hardcore ­pornography and putting myself successful unspeakably vulnerable situations pinch men, sabotaging each ­meaningful narration I had.

I ruined a three-year 1 pinch a awesome man I thought I'd marry, aft immoderate sleazy brushwood pinch an ex-boyfriend connected a solo travel to Hawaii aft graduating.

Although he astir apt ne'er would person recovered out, I collapsed up pinch him because I felt truthful blameworthy and ­disgusted pinch myself.

I ever felt bad astir my ­behaviour, during and particularly afterwards, but I conscionable couldn't stop. If activity was proffered, I didn't attraction what ­format it came in, I was ­compelled to prehend it.

What does a activity addiction consciousness like? It's a mobility I've often been asked. Well for a start, activity addiction is ne'er sexy. I picture it arsenic an impulse that's retired of my control; to beryllium ­constantly consumed pinch nan desire for nan beingness merchandise of orgasm, and besides for affection.

Sex made maine consciousness valuable, a emotion I was addicted to, but didn't cognize really to find without intercourse.

Orgasm was a sensation truthful powerful that it obliterated worry, anxiety, self-loathing, fearfulness and insecurity for a short while. And – thing each addicts will place pinch – arsenic soon arsenic it was complete I'd instantly beryllium craving nan adjacent hit.

Having scrutinised my intersexual ­history done therapy, I've realised I ever sought comfortableness successful activity erstwhile I was stressed, fearful, saturated aliases anxious because it was easier than dealing pinch nan feelings themselves.

I cognize inevitably group will inquire really galore men I've slept with, and while I do understand their ­curiosity, I don't judge nan number is ­relevant aliases helpful.

Before I met my hubby much than 11 years ago, location were times I'd slumber pinch a caller feline each week erstwhile I was azygous but, much typically, I'd jump from 1 monogamous narration to nan adjacent (ranging from 3 months to 3 years) pinch activity ever nan focus.

Also, nan 'how many' fig is conscionable 1 of a number of elements that dress up this analyzable disorder.

It's 1 of nan reasons I'm truthful unfastened erstwhile documenting my ­experiences successful my memoir, because compulsive intersexual behaviour is ­frequently misunderstood.

Difficult to officially diagnose –after all, really do you differentiate activity addiction from personification pinch a beardown intersexual appetite and anemic willpower? It's defined by narration kindness Relate arsenic 'any intersexual behaviour that feels retired of control. It's not nan behaviour itself that defines it arsenic a compulsion but alternatively nan dependency connected it to numb retired antagonistic emotions and difficult experiences.'

Like astir different adolescents pinch raging hormones, my enthusiasm for activity began perfectly usually erstwhile I discovered masturbation aged 12.

Raised by Catholic parents, I went to an all-girls' belief schoolhouse wherever activity was taboo and only ever ­mentioned astatine location and successful nan schoolroom successful narration to procreation.

This meant that very early connected I associated activity pinch shame, not slightest when, besides aged 12, I was diagnosed pinch scoliosis – curvature of nan spine – and instantly assumed it was God's measurement of punishing maine for rubbing myself 'down there'.

This was nan constituent astatine which ­normal, patient intersexual exploration became a compulsion, though I didn't realise this astatine nan clip arsenic I was excessively young to make consciousness of my behaviour.

Bullied astatine schoolhouse for wearing a backmost brace to correct my spinal ­condition, masturbation was an flight and orgasm my superior merchandise and coping mechanism. This was each happening astir nan clip that nan net was becoming much accessible.

I started pinch ­viewing and downloading pornographic images, past videos, earlier moving connected to streaming porn and graduating to cyber-sex pinch strangers.

All this was going connected successful my parents' house, precocious astatine nighttime pinch my ­bedroom doorway locked, nan fearfulness of being interrupted portion of nan thrill.

I'd consciousness sick pinch shame afterwards and vow ne'er to do it again. But I ever did, often wrong hours.

I mislaid my virginity, aged 17, to a man who was 10 years older than maine and a regular customer astatine nan edifice wherever I worked aft school. I can't opportunity it was a ­particularly pleasurable acquisition for maine arsenic I was focused connected pleasing him – but nan thrill, shame and self-disgust was still there.

When I went to assemblage to study English lit aged 18, I abruptly had overmuch much entree to men, ­flitting betwixt casual activity and ­relationships.

Privately, porn remained a ­constant, giving maine nan operation of pleasance and shame I craved.

Only now tin I spot that nan astir destructive portion of my addiction was this ever-present facet of shame. If I'd known arsenic a young personification that it was normal and patient to beryllium ­interested successful sex, I astir apt wouldn't person developed an addiction. Shame was nan driving force.

Though I only cheated connected boyfriends a fistful of times, I would often fantasise astir doing truthful and was ever coquettish pinch different men.

Relationships would extremity astatine nan aforesaid sad place: pinch maine stepping distant if I felt a man was getting excessively close, because affectional intimacy felt excessively risky and alien.

I felt excessively soiled and shameful for anyone to emotion and feared they'd cull maine erstwhile they knew maine properly.

In my precocious 20s, a fellow who was a successful movie head and overmuch older than maine planted nan seed that my insatiable intersexual appetite wasn't healthy. I perpetually pestered him for activity moreover erstwhile he said 'no' because I didn't cognize really to link pinch him, aliases anyone else, immoderate different way.

After I'd pestered him for nan umpteenth clip 1 day, he yelled astatine me: 'You're a activity addict, you request to get immoderate help!'

We separated, and though it was a fewer years earlier I started ­therapy, it had alerted maine to nan truth that thing wasn't rather correct pinch my cognition to sex.

Just earlier I turned 30, I'd ­broken up pinch a man I loved but cheated connected and I realised I wanted nan adjacent decade of my life to beryllium different. If I was going to change, I needed to beryllium azygous for a while and abstain from activity until I was mentally healthier.

On a ngo to go a amended type of myself, I went connected vacation to Bali wherever I spent my clip doing yoga, meditation and reflection classes. That's wherever I met my husband, River, an ­Australian who was moving successful Shanghai astatine nan time.

When we said aft a yoga people I was frightened of nan attraction I felt for him owed to my determination to beryllium azygous for a while.

Still, erstwhile I bumped into him again a fewer days later I agreed to spell retired for drinks. We had activity connected our 2nd date, aft which I was filled pinch a substance of fearfulness that I'd autumn backmost into my ­destructive ways, on pinch excitement and infatuation.

We swapped numbers and emails and, 2 weeks later, backmost home, I decided to do thing I'd ne'er done successful immoderate narration – I told River everything: that I suspected I was a activity addict.

Convinced he would simply trim maine disconnected astatine that point, I was amazed erstwhile he didn't.

Determined this narration wouldn't travel nan aforesaid destructive pattern, I went to a fewer Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) meetings to study really to person healthier relationships, found caller patterns of ­behaviour, and meet different group having akin experiences.

Like Alcoholics Anonymous, SLAA is simply a 12-step programme wherever group stock experiences of addiction and support 1 different successful sobriety, pinch meetings ­available each complete nan UK.

My ­biggest fearfulness for years had been of being recovered out, that group mightiness deliberation I was sick and depraved and I'd beryllium unsocial for ever. The realisation that my compulsive intersexual behaviour didn't mean I was a unspeakable personification was a relief, arsenic was nan dream that gathering different addicts gave me. Many had gone connected to person patient relationships, truthful possibly I could, too.

Therapy taught maine that revealing nan darkest point astir yourself to different group is empowering because it takes nan powerfulness distant from nan addiction. So I kept confessing, going to much meetings and therapy.

River and I reunited successful Thailand earlier going travelling together for respective months. No matter what I confessed, he ne'er judged maine aliases backed away. it brought america closer.

He was lukewarm and had an knowing borne of his ain demons, being recently sober from alcohol and supplier usage astatine nan time.

Over nan past decade, I've realised nan triggers that lead maine to activity comfortableness successful activity and porn are stress, fearfulness and anxiety. I learned to spell for a walk, meditate and talk aliases constitute astir my feelings.

It's important to beryllium clear that being triggered doesn't mean emotion for illustration I'll cheat connected my ­husband. It's much that thing triggers nan impulse to usage activity arsenic a self-soothing system – for example, watching porn to unopen retired a feeling.

If I get this urge, I'll inquire myself: americium I moving distant from something, aliases do I conscionable consciousness for illustration watching it? Very occasionally, I do watch porn. But only because I want to, not because I request to.

There's a patient and unhealthy measurement to attack nan aforesaid activity and being successful betterment intends knowing nan difference.

In 2013, River and I wed. Sex remains a attraction of my ­marriage but it's patient and ­loving. I'm very overmuch a ­recovering activity addict arsenic my impulses and activities are nary longer retired of control, risky aliases secretive.

You tin beryllium a patient and empowered intersexual personification who practises safe activity pinch hundreds of group and not needfully beryllium addicted to sex. You conscionable for illustration sex, but you don't dishonesty to group aliases usage activity arsenic an flight aliases a coping system because you can't look issues successful your life.

On nan different hand, you tin beryllium successful a monogamous matrimony and compulsively watch porn successful concealed aliases person activity pinch strangers down your spouse's backmost and consciousness ashamed and retired of control.

My therapy is ongoing and has helped maine realise I'd been utilizing activity to disguise feelings of rejection and self-hatred I first felt aged 12. It besides taught maine that alternatively of moving from analyzable feelings, I tin now talk astir them and spot they will pass.

I americium successful a patient spot now. It's much than 10 years since I felt nan desire to rustle up my life, lie, cheat, aliases destruct my narration – and for that I tin only beryllium proud and grateful.

As told to Sadie Nicholas.

Getting Off: One Woman's Journey Through Sex And Porn Addiction, by Erica Garza, is disposable now.